I know I usually review albums, so you’re probably wondering why I’m writing a song review. Sometimes things have to change and people want to try new things. Change can be scary, but trying new things is an important process for all artists. It could go well, it could not.

Or it could go terribly, horribly, annoyingly wrong. That’s what happened to Coldplay. Back in the 2000s, I liked their indie sound that perfectly embodied a rainy day at home. I liked that the scientist was all yellow and wanted to fix you. There was something beautiful about the music they used to make.

But in recent years, they’ve drastically changed their sound. They call it magic, but I call it lame. I had a lukewarm reaction to Mylo Xyloto, but the disappointing singles from Ghost Stories told me it was time to stop supporting the band in any way.

Coldplay didn’t lose me as a fan with “Adventure of a Lifetime,” but they did gain a hater. The albums mentioned earlier led me to a place of indifference toward this band. I didn’t like them, and I didn’t hate them, but I was just done with their music. Then they decided that instead of being boring, they should be obnoxious.

I wasn’t alive in the 70s, but I know enough about it to be happy I wasn’t born until two decades later. I wasn’t around for the pure and relevant hatred of disco as it burned (baby burned) up the charts. I happily existed and knew, as a millennial, that I would never have to hear that genre unless I really went out of my way to do so.

I was driving and listening to 92.9 The Edge, a radio station that mainly plays current alternative and electronic music. I was enjoying The 1975 and Robert DeLong, when my ears were suddenly assaulted by a distorted repetition of “feel alive again.” I couldn’t ignore the disco influence in the music. And I couldn’t ignore the familiarity of the voice, no matter how hard I tried.

“Coldplay, what are you doing?” I sighed to my radio.

As much as I hate this song, there is a way it could work. Maybe. But in order for it to make sense, it would have to be performed by someone else. No matter how much vocalist Chris Martin says he feels alive and says “woo hoo,” he will always sound sad. He could be singing “Happy Birthday” or “The Fun Song” from Spongebob, and still sound like he’s at his dog’s funeral.

Performance isn’t the only problem. I looked up the lyrics and I couldn’t get past the first line: “Turn your magic on, Umi she’d say.” I checked so many lyric sites hoping that this was wrong, considering I had no idea “umi” was a word, but I couldn’t find an alternative. I scoured the internet for an explanation. Umi is the name of an Atlanta sushi restaurant. “Umi” is also Arabic for “mother.” So…she’d say “mother?”

“Coldplay, what are you doing?”

So we’ve got gaudy disco music and confusing lyrics. What else does a horrible song need?

A poorly made music video that may or may not have given me nightmares. If you’ve seen it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, either prepare yourself and watch it now or let your eyes remain innocent forever. Let’s just say I’ll never watch Planet of the Apes the same way again.

But there are worse songs out there so this gets 2/10 nightmare monkeys. Please don’t play that funky music, white boys.